5 Exercises To Practice Self-Compassion

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support that you would offer to a good friend. It involves accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all, and recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are a normal part of the human experience. Self-compassion has been found to be an effective way of reducing stress, anxiety, and depression, as well as improving overall well-being.

To practice self-compassion, it is important to first recognize and acknowledge your own suffering. This could be anything from a disappointment or failure to a physical or emotional pain. Instead of trying to suppress or ignore these feelings, allow yourself to feel them fully and with kindness and understanding. Then, offer yourself words of comfort and support, just as you would to a friend in a similar situation.

Remember that self-compassion is not the same as self-indulgence or self-pity. It is about treating yourself with the same care and understanding that you would offer to someone you love. By practicing self-compassion, you can cultivate a greater sense of self-worth, resilience, and happiness.

Exercise 1: How do you treat the people that you love? 

Take a sheet of paper and answer the following questions: 

Think of times when someone close to you (friend, family, etc.) felt really bad about themselves or that person was going through a tough time in their life. How would you react to this person in this situation (especially when you are at your best)? Write down what you usually do, what you say, and note the tone in which you usually speak to someone you love who is going through a difficult situation. 

Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or when you are having a hard time. How do you generally react to yourself in these situations? Note what you usually do, what you say, and note the tone in which you speak to yourself. Is there a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that cause you to treat yourself and others so differently? Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself the same way you typically respond to someone close when you are in pain.

Exercise 2: The Self-Compassion Letter 

Think of a difficult situation you are currently experiencing. If there is no difficult situation at this moment, think of another time when you were going through a very difficult time. As you think about the situation, ask yourself what you will do and say to someone close who is going through the same situation. 

Write yourself a letter that shows compassion for yourself in relation to the particular situation. 

Ex: It’s normal that I’m having trouble right now. I’m scared and I really want to get out of my skin. It’s really a difficult time for me. What I feel now, I have the right to feel. I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now. My suffering, this discomfort that I feel, it deserves to be welcomed with kindness and tenderness. I deserve this. I am worthy of this kindness and this tenderness that I give myself. And I wish for myself to have some peace of mind. I know it’s a difficult time, but I know I will find peace. Now I will find that peace primarily by doing what I am doing right now, changing the way I respond to my suffering. Every pain that arises within me, I will show kindness and recognize that every moment of suffering is worthy of self compassion. I’m strong, I can deal with fear, and I can hold space for my emotions no matter how hard it is. I am my best ally and I have everything I need right here inside me to get through these tough times. Now I promise to be there for me when things don’t go well.

Exercise 3: Self-Compassion Pause 

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that causes you stress. Recall the situation and see if you can actually feel the emotional stress and discomfort in your body. 

Now say to yourself: 

1. It’s a moment of suffering (mindfulness) 

Other options include: • It hurts. • Ouch. • It’s stress. 

The goal is to become aware and recognize that things are not going well. 

2. Suffering is part of life (common humanity) 

Other options include: • Other people feel this. • I am not alone. • We all struggle in our lives. 

The goal is to recognize that it is completely normal and that you have the right to feel this way. Now place your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or embrace the soothing touch you’ve discovered works for you. 

3. Respond to yourself as you would respond to someone you love. 

You may also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” » Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as: 

• I give myself the compassion I need 

• I learn to accept myself as I am 

• I forgive myself 

• I know how to be patient 

This practice will help you remember to bring up the three aspects of self-compassion when you need them most.

Exercise 4: Changing Your Self-Critical Conversations 

This exercise should be done over several weeks and will eventually help change the way you talk to yourself in the long run. Some people find it helpful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it through internal dialogues.

If you’re someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be a great tool for transformation. The first step to changing the way you treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. Like many of us, your self-critical voice may be so common to you that you don’t even notice when it’s present. Whenever you feel bad about something, think about what you just said to yourself. Try to be as specific as possible, writing down your self-talk verbatim. What words do you actually use when you are self-critical? Are there key phrases that keep coming up? What is the tone of your voice – hard, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of someone in your past who criticized you?

You want to be able to experience inner self-criticism very well and be aware of when your inner judge is active. For example, if you just ate half a box of Oreo, does your inner voice say something like “you’re so disgusting”, “you’re making me sick”, and so on? Really try to get a clear idea of how you talk to yourself. Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re stupid” to your inner critic!). Say something like, “I know you’re worried about me and feel insecure, but you’re causing me unnecessary pain. Can you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now? » 

Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly and positive way. If you’re struggling to think of words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It can be helpful to use an endearing term that reinforces expressed feelings of warmth and caring (but only if it feels natural).

For example, you can say something like, “I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and don’t feel good about your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk to feel better? The important thing is that you begin to act kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually ensue.

Exercise 5: Identifying what motivates self-criticism 

Think about the ways you use self-criticism as a motivator. Is there a personal trait you blame yourself for having (too overweight, too lazy, too impulsive, too weak, etc.) because you think being hard on yourself will help you change? Does my self-criticism help? (Protection, motivation, etc.) If so, first try to get in touch with the emotional pain that your self-criticism is causing, giving yourself compassion. 

Then see if you can think of a kinder, more caring way to motivate yourself to make a much-needed change. What language would a wise and caring friend, parent, teacher, or mentor use to gently point out how unproductive your behavior is, while simultaneously encouraging you to do something different. What is the most encouraging message you can think of that matches your underlying wish to be healthy and happy? Whenever you find yourself judgmental about your unwanted trait in the future, first notice the pain of your self-judgment and allow yourself compassion. Then try to reframe your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive. 

Remember that if you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear.